A Common Parenting Struggle

If you’ve ever found yourself saying — or at least thinking — “It’s my child that’s the problem, not me,” you are not alone. Parenting can feel overwhelming, especially when your child’s behaviors are intense, confusing, or relentless.

Outbursts, defiance, anxiety, or withdrawal can leave you exhausted and wondering what went wrong. It’s natural to look at the behaviors and think, 'If only my child would change, things would finally be okay.'

But what if the pathway to helping your child begins with something deeper — not by blaming yourself, but by understanding the vital role you play as a parent in your child’s nervous system development, attachment, and emotional regulation?

The Power of Being a Safe, Secure Base

Attachment theorist John Bowlby introduced the concept of a secure base: a consistent, nurturing caregiver who provides safety, stability, and unconditional love. A secure base allows a child to:
- Explore their world with confidence, knowing they can return for comfort when needed.
- Develop a regulated nervous system capable of handling stress and emotions.
- Internalize a deep sense of trust and belonging.

Dr. Dan Siegel, a pioneer in interpersonal neurobiology, expands this idea by showing how secure relationships literally shape the architecture of a child’s brain. When you are regulated and attuned, your calm presence helps wire your child’s brain for resilience and connection.

Robyn Gobbel adds that this doesn’t require perfect parenting. What matters most is showing up with regulation and repair:
- Your calm nervous system becomes their borrowed regulation through co-regulation.
- Your relationship becomes the foundation where their nervous system learns safety.
- Your willingness to repair after ruptures teaches them resilience and trust.

The Brain’s Emotional Blueprint: Panksepp’s Affective Neural Circuits

Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp discovered that our brains contain seven core emotional circuits, which drive much of our behavior. These circuits are universal, wired into us from birth, and they deeply influence how children express their needs and feelings:
1. SEEKING – Curiosity, motivation, exploration
2. CARE – Nurturing, bonding, love
3. PLAY – Joy, social engagement, learning
4. FEAR – Anxiety, withdrawal, hypervigilance
5. RAGE – Anger, frustration, fighting back
6. GRIEF/PANIC – Separation distress, loss, sadness
7. LUST – Sexual development (emerges later in adolescence)

When a child grows up in a safe, attuned environment, the SEEKING, CARE, and PLAY circuits flourish, leading to creativity, connection, and resilience. But when their environment feels unsafe or unpredictable, the FEAR, RAGE, and GRIEF circuits dominate — which often shows up as behaviors like defiance, aggression, or withdrawal.

Your role as a parent is to nurture the circuits of safety and connection by becoming a regulated, responsive secure base.

Why Behavior is Just the Tip of the Iceberg

When a child acts out, shuts down, or explodes, it’s tempting to focus only on the visible behavior. But much like an iceberg, most of what drives the behavior is below the surface — in their nervous system, emotions, and early experiences.

Using Polyvagal Theory, we understand that children move through three primary nervous system states:
- Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection) – calm, open to learning, socially engaged
- Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) – hyperaroused, anxious, angry, defiant
- Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) – withdrawn, numb, disconnected

When your child feels unsafe — even if there is no actual danger — they can’t access the brain regions responsible for problem-solving or emotional control. This isn’t defiance or manipulation. It’s survival.

When Parents Feel Triggered

Here’s the challenging truth: your child’s dysregulation will often trigger your own nervous system. You may find yourself yelling, shutting down, or over-functioning — not because you’re a 'bad parent,' but because your own childhood wounds are being activated.

These responses are often shaped by what we call Adaptive Versions of yourself — parts of you that developed to keep you safe in your own childhood home. When these parts are triggered, your ability to show up as a calm, attuned parent can feel nearly impossible.

Dan Siegel calls this 'flipping your lid.' When your brain is overwhelmed, you lose access to your calm, connected parenting self — the part that can hold your child’s big emotions without reacting.

The Invitation: Becoming the Secure Base Your Child Needs

Healing doesn’t come from fixing your child. It comes from being with your child in a way that helps them feel safe, seen, and soothed.

Practical steps:
1. Pause before reacting – Notice your own nervous system state.
2. Breathe and ground yourself – Even three deep breaths can move you from reactivity to presence.
3. See the need beneath the behavior – Ask yourself, 'What emotional circuit is driving this behavior?'
4. Co-regulate first, problem-solve later – A dysregulated child cannot learn or change behavior until they feel safe.
5. Seek healing for yourself – Therapy can help you release old survival patterns and parent from your calm, Oldest Wisest Version.

When It Feels Too Hard

Some behaviors may feel unmanageable or even frightening. If your child has experienced trauma, attachment disruptions, or developmental challenges, their nervous system may need more than everyday parenting tools.

At Kairos Counseling & Family Therapy, we use relational and experiential therapies like EMDR, Sandtray Therapy, ETT, and SSP to help families heal at the root level. These approaches don’t just teach coping skills — they create deep nervous system shifts that restore safety, trust, and connection.

From Blame to Connection

“It’s my child that’s the problem, not me.” This belief is deeply understandable — parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is. But what if it’s not about blame at all? What if the real work is about connection, regulation, and healing together?

When you step into your role as a secure base:
- Your child’s behaviors become opportunities for understanding, not just correction.
- Your own growth becomes part of your child’s healing journey.
- Your family moves from chaos to harmony.

Begin the Journey Together

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need a present, regulated parent who shows up consistently, even when things get messy. And you deserve support, too.

Let us walk alongside you as you become the secure base your child needs. This is your Kairos moment — a sacred opportunity for healing and connection.

Contact Kairos Counseling & Family Therapy:

📞 Call: 214-253-9207
📧 Email: Neddy@KairosCFT.com

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